Easy

Theres a lot I dont talk about on my blog.

I dont talk about the heartache.

The tears.

The lows.

The hurt.

The anger.

I show the happy pictures.

The fun.

The friends.

The family.

I keep it happy because I choose to focus on the happy.

Its not all happy though.

Its been five months since everything has fallen apart.

There have been so many ups and downs in each day.

Days where I feel way too much or feel nothing at all.

Where I go from one extreme to the other.

I've had to learn how to be myself again.

Believe it or not its hard.

Ive been standing in the middle of a grocery store and felt completely and utterly alone.

One four wheeling trip I was having a blast until I passed a family in a Razor with mom and dad upfront and 2 cute little girls in the back with their sunglasses on drinking capri suns.

I burst into tears.

I miss having a family.

I miss being a wife

I have slowly learned how to become myself with out Joe.

Its not been easy.

But its harder than hell learning to become myself with out being mom all the time.

This weekend Joe had Kennedy from Friday to Monday morning.

 We each  have her during the day and then on the weekends try and do every other weekend so shes on the schedule as her sister so she can see them.

Usually he works so he'll have her maybe half that and I'll have my peanut.

This weekend was hard.

I was lost. I know it looks like I had fun and I did.

But it took a lot to get me out of the house!

Friday was good.

Saturday I was a mess.

I went grocery shopping to Winco and was almost in tears the whole time because I kept seeing moms with kids in their shopping carts.

I only bought food Kennedy eats.

I didnt buy any groceries for me.

I talked to her on the phone and lost it.

I was bawling my eyes out. I missed my peanut so bad.

The rest of the weekend I coped better.

Its hard.

I made myself fill an overtime shift at work so I wouldn't sit at home at night.

I made myself go out and do things.

The ups and downs and rollacoasters are amazing.

One min you're happy.

The next you're down.

Then you're good again.

I do good working hard to stay busy.

It helps a lot.

Thats one reason I am always doing so much on the weekends.

Making sure I keep myself around people and not just sitting at home.

I am starting to get where I am ok most of the time.

Ok is a relative term ha.

I will be ok and at peace with life and of course that knocks the world out of balance :)

I am ok though.

I am strong and have learned how to be strong again.

I am honestly happy with being single.

I am good with just having friends and hanging out with friends or groups.

I dont want to be in a relationship.

I dont want that stress right now.

I am all for meeting new people and being friends and hanging out. But thats it.

Im enjoying just being me.

Now I just gotta figure out how to be me when I dont have Kennedy.

I have some of the MOST AMAZING FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVER.

My parents have helped me out so much!

Even just being able to go up for dinner or borrowing my dads 4 wheeler or having my dad help me do things has been nice.

Their love and support is amazing.

My sisters and I have grown closer.

My friends drag my ass out of the house when I need to.

Or check up on me

Or build up my self confidence.

Or just listen.

I have too many amazing friends I couldn't even begin to list all the ways they have helped me!

I only write about the positive on here because that's what I choose to focus on.

I am so blessed its easier to count my blessings and remind me of them than everything else.

But its not all peachy and roses.

A lot of it sucks bad.

But we learn.We deal. We move.

Its all about what you choose to focus on.

I just wanted to thank all of you who have been so wonderful lately!

I heard a song the other day that sums it up pretty well! Its Easy by Rascal Flatts